I've decided to do a monthly newsletter, mostly because I love the ones I receive from people I follow. I like hearing about people's lives, the human stuff. My favorite is a local musician, Jackson Holte, check him out if you want some sweet words from the mountains of Montana.
So from one human to another, this is what's going on in my world:
It's been almost 3 months since the breakup. It's been all the flavors of all the things. I've seen him several times recently, it's been good and terrible at the same time. My body wants to move toward and away simultaneously. It's like being ripped apart inside.
That adult mother part of me that I have spent so much time growing sweeps in and holds my back. She reminds me gently why we can't throw our arms around him. She gives permission and space for the heartbreak and hate.
It's not easy, but it is getting easier to meet. There is a softness that is growing towards whatever ISNESS is on my heart each day. I can see it change, how the heartbreak and grief feel today. Something about continuing to just connect to what's most true, to how it is today, lets me feel it as something moving and changing, that has a life of its own. It's not the same, I'm not stuck in one spot, life is continuing on.
I've learned there is something particularly potent about heartbreak and hate. I've known in my work that those energies are powerful, but I now know at a cellular level the importance of letting the emotional energies of heartbreak and hate run their full course in the body. Something about how they can dance together is one of the most clarifying energies I've experienced in this process.
It's a no-bullshit kind of storm that cleans, clears, destroys, and brings the kind of rain that makes everything young again.
There are not any amazing ah'ha's or huge shifts in my life yet, I'm still in the mess of it all. But I can feel little buds emerging some days, I don't know what they will become, but I can feel them.
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How I am working with this: (I think this is a nice section to have in a newsletter, yeah?)
There is a hopelessness I've had to work with, to tend to that I haven't felt so strongly before. I think because this is the closest I've got to "having" the life I want. A home, a family, a partner. This life I was building with this person got to live and breathe for a while, and now that it's all gone, that lack has been magnified.
It's been important to me to move the hopelessness until it shifts (even just shifts physically in an area of my body) so that my wants and dreams do not blend with it. I dared to hope, and it got squashed, so it matters to me that I get my ability to dream back, to want. It's a hard thing to work with, but when I don't, I see it seep in and that is not something I am willing to let happen. And so on days when I have the capacity I meet it with attention, movement, breath, and sound. I work it until it feels differently.
Another way I am meeting this is through the side door. To just do some gentle restorative practices. I've been focusing on earth and ease. Generating earth energy in the lower body, working with dropping effort, and creating more ease in the upper body. We just did a lot of this in Saturday's class in the Membership, and I'm planning on deepening it in this next theme that will be announced soon if you want to join :)
And lastly, a way I am meeting what's here is to leave. On Christmas Eve it will be 3 months to the day of this big rupture in my life so I'll be getting on a plane to LA. The holidays have amplified the hurt and being in this small town with our lives sitll so intertwined hasn't allowed for the space that is really needed for my body right now.
So, I will go see sunshine and old friends and feel right distance from it all for 8 days.
Alright my loves, that's what I got!
Sending you lots of permission to be where you are and to meet it in whatever way feels doable and right. And I am here, reach out if you need support in this whole being a human thing ;)
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