What happens when we can cut right to the heart of it?
I got stuck in something very familiar last night. Frustrated, anxious, lonely, checking my phone every two seconds.
I’ll give you some context.
My boyfriend has been out of town working since Saturday, and I’ve been really missing him. He had to come to town yesterday morning for supplies and because of my schedule and him running late, we didn’t end up getting to see each other. That was the first domino.
I felt disappointed and mad. I then had a busy day running around town, one of those days where you spill the thing, drop the other thing, leave the thing you went to go get, hit every red light, you know...
I held onto some hope though, since the weather was bad maybe he wouldn’t be able to work and he’d want to come home and see me? I of course didn't voice any of this.
I wanted him to come to me without me having to ask.
You know that game?
He instead went to the hot springs with his brother and invited me via text. I said I didn't feel up to driving all that way after the day I’d had and I then I didn't hear anything back…..for hours.
So here I am stewing in it all. The main theme of the thoughts and feelings is “Why doesn’t he care about me and screw him I don’t care about him.” This push and pull is very familiar to me. I want the other person to lean in so I can push them away so they will feel how I feel.
Can you relate?
When I’m in this, my mind is very action-oriented, I think of all the things I could do or say that would hit back. I see how similar all of those actions and reactions are to that of my mother. Then the shame starts to creep in about being needy, caring in the first place, not being able to just pull my energy back and have a good night on my own.
This is a familiar place. I don’t get here very often anymore but yesterday was just the perfect combination of ingredients to put me firmly back into this stuckness I know so well.
I knew I needed to move it, to open it up in my body, and so I kinda did, I half-assed a practice and got a little relief, but I didn’t really meet what was asking to be met. There can be a lot of resistance to meeting what is here, even for someone who teaches people to do that for a profession. :)
But this morning was different, there was a must about it, I didn’t want to be stuck anymore.
So, I turned on some music and did a practice. One many of you know well.
I leaned into what I had become (this uptight, pissed off, incredibly hurt, and looking to hurt back person) I let my body start to take this shape. My right side felt it was curling in on my left. I felt I had a plate of metal across my chest, my forehead felt so stuck and congested, my legs gripped, my body leaned forward. I emphasized all of this for a few breaths and then started to slowly let it go, opening up this shape, this energy, this history with movement, breath, and sound.
I immediately started crying as energy rushed around my body. The deep pain of neglect, the history of not being cared for by my parents all came rushing in, but I stayed WITH THE BODY. Continuing to move, breathe, and follow the impulses, being PHYSICAL.
This is how to create freedom from these patterns, it has to be through the body.
I continued to move, I brought in other tools, I just kept BEING A BODY.
After about 10 minutes I could feel ME again. I could hear the birds outside, see the colors, my head was quieter, my face softer. There was more ease in my body, I could feel my feet on the ground.
The life and me that I had felt so separate from became available again.
And this mother part of me, this adult part came back online, able to scoop up that little neglected one and bring her close so she didn't have to keep lashing out.
Now, it’s not all roses and rainbows, that’s not why I do these practices, and if I go in with that intention it’s just another way to abandon myself. I go in to feel, to meet, and to free this energy. I go in so I can go right to the heart of it instead of twirling around it twisting myself up around it.
It’s not easy. It takes a tremendous amount of will to stop and meet yourself.
It’s uncomfortable, but so is the alternative.
There’s so much damage that can be created when we don’t.
So much history that dictates the present, so much life missed.
I want intimacy. I want closeness with myself, with life, with others.
My boyfriend stopped by after this practice. I could feel the pattern of wanting to give him the cold shoulder, but I was a little softer, I had a little more access to the rest of me, to the longing of just wanting to be close, to feel felt, to be met.
Because he is steady in the face of my storms and didn’t react to my reaction, there was more possibility in how this could go. And because I had opened up some of that stuckness, that energy, that history I was able to speak clearer, more kind, more honest. He heard it, we moved closer, we were able to meet each other. We only had about 5 minutes, but there was repair, there was closeness, that I know would not have been as readily available had I not taken the time to move with myself first.
So here I go into the rest of my day, much more alive and present and in my own blueprint, instead of this conditioned imprint.
I am not my mother. I am me.
And I know that every time I work in this way and undo some of this I am building trust with my body to be able to allow this energy to move instead of being trapped. I know the next time this neglected one gets poked I will have a little bit more agency and choice around how to meet that energy.
It’s not perfect. It’s actually usually a bit messy. But I will take the mess every single time if it means more life, more me, and more of the truth.
So….what do you choose?
If you want a space to be a body, to cut right to the heart of it, you know the ways. Reach out, check out my offerings below, do the dang thing.
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