April Newsletter

Hello, Wild One 

It feels like I’ve been going through a pain portal.

Around the Equinox, I thought I had food poisoning, but I’ve had lingering issues since. It was the most concentrated pain I have ever remembered feeling in my body. Whatever it was messed up my overall systems, and my body's been struggling to get back to normal. (I am doing much this week!)

Along with that, there have been other things breaking down; my car, still unknown there as well, a flood in the house, known and fixed, but still working to make sure everything has dried and prevent it from happening again, and a mold discovery in my matress, solved by buying a new matress! (Which is just not as cozy as my last 🙃)

All these have a slight additional sting to them of the new and not-so-new story, “I’m all alone in it." Not having a partner to help me, to hold my hand, to take some of the load....

These outside breaking aparts mirror an internal breaking apart that feels necessary and impossible.

I’m at a point in my business and life where it feels like there is a threshold to cross. (Ya'll know my threshold work, I am no newbie 🔥) I can keep playing it safe, working hard, and doing what is accepted, OR I can cross over and put a stake in the ground and let myself burn for what I came here to do. 

It sounds romantic to me, but the actual doing of it feels like a huge risk, and makes my stomach turn. I also don’t even know where to start. (And there’s also some pretending not to know)

When I work with it in the body, I find the effort in my shoulders that holds the story “I’m a good little soldier that has to work hard because everyone is counting on her.” 

The weight of that feels centuries old. 

When I open up to my mom about all that’s been going on, she says, “Well, just imagine all of that if you had kids to take care of too.” That stings in multiple ways, but what I wish she knew was that what I’m trying to do is to change the world. To heal our lineage, overturn centuries of trauma and money beliefs in our family, to truly be a free women and lead others to their freedom, truth, and who they are and what they came here to do.

To teach bodies to be bodies, so that they live in alignment with what matters most. So that they care about other bodies and the body of the earth. 

I wish she knew that I came here for more. 

That I am burning for something bigger. 

That I am meant for a big life. 

It’s so hard. Sometimes I wish I didn’t have these big dreams inside of me that keep me pushing and pulling me into the depths of uncomfortable, and edging past what I thought I could do and be. 

But most days, I choose the big dream.

I don’t know what the moves are I need to make, which makes it even harder. I don’t know what needs to die, and what needs to be birthed. There is so much I don’t know. 

So I sit with the unknown. I let it take me to my knees in front of my altar, and I feel the fear, and worry, and frustration, and pain, and I just keep trying to listen. I move my body, I keep in devotion to working with all that arises. I get support and accurate reflection back about my dreams, my medicine, my strength, my heart, my passion. I keep trusting myself.

So, I guess the move I’m making today is to let you in, and share this messy truth with you. 🤓

 xoxo

Sending you lots of love in your own portals, thresholds, dreams, and messy mess. 😘